Wednesday, September 17
epic failure. everything i have built up all gone cos of a stupid what apps to him. as i was saying, i alr tried v hard to not contact him ytd. but then today i can't help it. my ward leader msg me for a causal chat, i know it was nth much. but then i shamelessly use this as an excuse to what apps him. i was checking his what apps last seen while my ward leader is talking to me. and then i just send a text to him. hahahha i wanted to kind of make me a little jealous? but guess not , he was actually more worried that my ward leader contacted me due to work reason than thinking he is trying to hit on me. hahahha. one word of me, or two words. childish and shameless. :(
and then i go on to show him my vulnerable side AGAIN. i really didn't want to. but i cannot help it. i said i wanted to hear his voice to cure my insomnia. hmmm how lame was tt? but anw, he said my osim stuff is ready for collection. hmm okay nice, all the while i have been waiting for him to what apps me that the stuff arrived, but guess not. wj was right. he said maybe the stuff has alr arrived, is just that he didn't text me. anw he said he will be quite busy this week and will pass to me as soon as possible. and then i mentioned if he has alr decided? he like say don't have. or rather the impression he gave me is don't care. he told me actually he hasn't been thinking abt us. nice. everyday, i can't get him off my mind, almost everyday i have been tearing. i feel i am getting worthless to him. just a pest which keeps bothering him. why are we becoming like this? :(
i asked him if he miss me and if he likes his life now, and he just say don't know. and he says he hasn't figure it out yet. vaguely, i rmb him saying like, if he breaks up with me, how will i take it. and then i asked is this what you want? he said don't know. he said he don't wish to hang me there. omg i don't know. all the words he said are like multiple knifes stabbing me.
i told wj and kenenth abt this. they just keep asking me to prepare for the worst. yeah, kind of predicated it. and wj even said smth tt is hurtful but seems like the fact. i asked him if this is like the end of us. he said yeah, no hope alr. cos he said he will behave the same way as him if he wanna end things. :(:(:(
anw it seems like we will meet after my hkg frisco. maybe it isn't a bad thing i what apps him ytd. cos after ytd, my hope diminished a little. or rather day by day, it is diminishing. it just seems that i have nth left to fight for.
